Once upon a time I didn’t know much about sports. I would go to sporting type places like the horse track (because I am fancy and maybe a little bit mobster) and yell things like “Go sports! Do the sporty things!” but I didn’t really understand sports at all.
When I was in college I had an awesome group of friends. We stuck together like glue and had lots of amazing experiences. The only real flaw with these friends was that they were huge NASCAR fans. If you don’t know much about NASCAR, don’t worry. I will explain it to you. First, a guy (or sometimes girl) buys a car. Not a fancy car, just a regular looking car. Next, they completely cover the car in advertisements for boring things like motor oil. You might think that this would make the car fancy. Yeah, that would be nice, but it doesn’t make the car fancy. I would say that it makes the car ugly, but you’re not allowed to call NASCAR cars ugly. Apparently.
Finally, the guy puts on a jumpsuit (again, not some fancy fashionable jumpsuit, a jumpsuit that you’re not allowed to call ugly) and drives around a big oval. ALL. DAY. LONG.
I do not want to sit and watch plain, ordinary, possibly ugly cars driving around big ovals all day long. After about a billion hours of driving, they declare a winner. Do you know what the winner gets? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not a fancier car. Nope, when they are done the winner drinks a glass of milk. That’s right, a glass of milk. As far as I know there aren’t even any Oreo’s involved which seems kind of pointless to me.
When I met The Pastor I was introduced to the game of football. If you don’t know what football is, you probably live under a rock. Or, maybe, you just don’t live in America. Football is when a group of men put on big hats and tight pants. They then take a ball that isn’t even ball shaped at all and try to get the ball 100 yards down a field without the other guys stopping them. After four fifteen minute quarters (which are nowhere near actually fifteen minutes) the team that has successfully brought the non ball shaped ball 100 yards the most times wins. This may seem only slightly more exciting than NASCAR until you hear about the best part. At the end of the season, all of the men on the winningest team get super huge fancy rings.
These rings are pretty much the fanciest thing a man can own. I personally think that all men should strive to own one of these super fancy football rings but apparently all men are not dedicated enough to get one. And yes, by “all men” I do mean The Pastor.
Now, if you don’t know much about football, you might think that only the most athletic teams win. I have learned that this is in no way true. It seems that winning actually has little to nothing to do with the athletic abilities of the players. It has everything to do with the routines of the fans.
You see, when you are a fan of a football team, you need to pay very close attention to patterns. What were you wearing when they won? What were you wearing when they lost? Were you doing anything unusual when they won? How about when they lost? Once you have gathered all of your data, you need to do all of the winning things and none of the losing things when your team plays.
For example, every time my team has won lately, I have baked a certain ooey gooey cake for my friends. This means that I need to continue baking this cake every week until my team wins their super fancy football rings. If I forget to serve this cake on game day, my team will lose and it will be all my fault. This would be embarrassing, so I continue to bake. I know other people who need to wear a certain special football shirt on game day. It gets even more complicated when you find out that I know other people who need to NOT wear their special football shirt on game day. It’s all very complicated.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. But Snarky, what if you bake your special ooey gooey cake, but another football fan forgets to wear the proper shirt? Well, that is what calculus is for. I’m pretty sure that there is some mathematical equation out there that can tell you exactly which combination of superstitious things need to occur in order for a team to win. I’m imagining you learn that formula in calculus because I never leaned that equation AND I avoided calculus like the plague. Therefore, it must be a calculus formula. (Obviously I DID excel at logic.)
Also, I have met enough football fans to tell you that one does NOT simply forget to do their bit for the team. Forgetting to do your superstitious thing on game day is enough to get you in some deep trouble around here. The kind of trouble that I do NOT want to be in.
That means that I had better get baking. And washing certain special football shirts. And making sure no one wears certain other special football shirts.
Because tomorrow’s game day, and I’ve got to do my part. Although I’m starting to think it might be easier to be the football player.
Do you want your team to do good sporty things and excel at their sporting tasks? Your team will for sure win if you like and share this blog! Try it! You’ll see!