There is a secret I have been carrying around for far too long and I feel like it is time to go public. It is something that makes me feel a bit ashamed, and almost everyone I know would not understand my secret. I am almost embarrassed to admit this, so blogging about it on the internet seems like the only logical solution. Here it goes.
I hate Autumn.
I’ll wait here while you try to wrap your mind around that.
As far as I know, I’m the only person who lives in a climate with seasons who doesn’t love the season of pumpkin spice. Every person I see seems to be participating in some sort of a three month long festival that revolves around hoodies and pumpkin spice everything. Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to cling to my flip flops for a couple more weeks. My kids will, with great embarrassment, vouch for the fact that I will continue to wear these shoes until the snow is six inches deep. Where I live, that usually happens around mid October.
There are several things I dislike about autumn, and the change in footwear is only the beginning.
I dislike having to actually bend all the way over to put on my shoes. Shoes that usually involve complicated things like laces and buckles. I am not complicated. Or I am lazy. You can make your own judgment there.
Also, I dislike the darkness. Earlier nights make me sad, and the way darkness seems to be rushing toward me all autumn makes me feel like I am waiting for some sort of impending doom. Impending doom never makes me happy.
I dislike the pumpkin spice everything. Pumpkin spice is good once or twice a year in things like bars and pie. In autumn we are expected to add it to everything from salad dressing to hamburgers. Enough pumpkin spice, already! There isn’t even any actual pumpkin in pumpkin spice! It’s just a combination of other less loved spices who decided to get together and take over an entire season. Pumpkin spice is just a big bully and your latte is its victim.
I dislike all of the clothes in autumn. I am uncoordinated and have been known to almost strangle myself with those hoodies everyone loves so much. Add shoelaces to trip over and constricting long pants and I am just a deadly accident waiting to happen. Also, that first time I try to squeeze myself into the jeans that my hips haven’t seen since spring is a bit depressing. Let us just take a moment here to praise Jesus for yoga pants.
When September approaches I almost feel like that horrible mom who is always comparing her children. “Why can’t you be more like April!?” April is wonderful. The days are getting longer, things are growing and blooming instead of dying, not to mention the fact that all of the most fabulous people in the world were born in April. April never makes you feel like your doom is rapidly approaching. April makes you feel like anything is possible and everything wonderful is just around the corner.
In my world, there are only two things about autumn that redeem it. One is the colored leaves. They are stunningly beautiful where I live. Colored leaves run neck in neck with the scent of fresh lilacs in the “Thank you God for nature” department as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, these leaves last for about thirty seconds. It’s almost worth it though.
The other thing about autumn that is truly awesome are the holidays. Mostly that one holiday. The one that brings me closer to my family and fills my belly with yummy deliciousness.
Obviously I’m talking about Halloween.
Wait! Snarky! You are a Christian! Christians can’t observe Halloween! Especially not if there is a pastor in the family!
Yeah, you’re just going to have to get over that because Halloween is probably the second best holiday ever, second only to Easter and my birthday (just don’t do the math. Also please note that the two holidays that trump Halloween both usually occur in April).
I would also like to point out that if you are one of those people who “doesn’t celebrate Halloween” but instead has “scarecrow days” or “dress like your favorite Bible character festival” at the end of October, you are celebrating Halloween. You are acknowledging that it is a different day from all of the others. You are just choosing to celebrate it differently than I do, which I am totally cool with, just don’t try to pretend that you are too holy to celebrate Halloween.
Halloween is awesome. As a kid, you get to do all of the things that your parents tell you never to do. You get to stay up late, go outside after dark, pretend to be something you’re not, and, best of all, you can take candy from strangers. As a child, I remember Halloween being the one night that the kids ruled the neighborhood and it was pure magic.
Halloween is almost like all of the other holidays rolled into one, without some of the flaws. It has the late night aspect of the Forth of July, but lacks the danger of explosives. It has the magic of Christmas, but lacks the disappointment (Lets all pause to reflect on our most disappointing Christmas gift. Mine was soap. From a close family member. Who may or may not have been trying to tell me something.) Halloween has all of the excitement of your birthday with the added bonus of all of your friends getting to participate too! It is also second in candy quality only to Easter, which, as you will recall, usually falls in April. Halloween is the absolute best.
But Snarky, Halloween is the Devil’s holiday! Aren’t you at all concerned about your children’s souls?
No. No I am not at all concerned about my children’s souls.
First of all, my children have been celebrating Halloween for almost sixteen years and I have been celebrating it for over forty years. Not one of us has ever spontaneously fallen to our knees and started worshiping pumpkins. I’m pretty sure that a child who trick-or-treats on Halloween has a far smaller chance of worshiping Satan than an atheist’s child has of becoming a Christian while sitting on Santa’s lap. That is, assuming you believe that God is stronger than Satan.
I trust my children’s souls to the hands of God. I always have. This trust means that I don’t ever worry about their souls. Not even a little bit. It’s not that I don’t love them, I love them more than I love anyone else on the planet. It’s just that I know the hands of God is a far safer place for them to be than the hands of this lady. So I don’t worry about Halloween. I don’t worry about Harry Potter books. I don’t worry about Santa or The Tooth Fairy or even The Easter Bunny (who, as you will recall, brings the very best candy). I don’t worry about science and evolution. I don’t worry about democrats or republicans or even libertarians. I don’t worry about my children having non-Christian friends. I don’t even worry about sparkly vampire books. I just let them enjoy these things and let them know that I am available to talk about any of them.
The craziest thing is, they are turning out to be great people. Better than I could have ever planned. Not a pumpkin worshiper among them. Which is good, because Halloween is pretty much the only reason I am able to hide my dislike for autumn from all of my pumpkin spice infused friends.
It’s okay. You are still beautiful in your hoodie. Just don’t be surprised this April when I start experimenting with strawberry rhubarb lattes.