Today I did it. I worked out for the first time in a very long time. It was a pretty good accomplishment because I REALLY don’t like to exercise. I always say that if you ever see me running, you’d better start running too because something pretty bad must be chasing me.
This morning I decided that today would be a good day for a workout. So after a nice breakfast I began. There was a lot of sweating and grunting and heavy breathing, but soon I was finished.
Putting on my shoes.
Finally I was out the door and down the driveway. I have a fairly long driveway. I looked down the road and sighed. Then I started out.
I tried to focus on positive things, like how I felt when I was 29. When I was 29 I was in the best shape of my life. I exercised every day. I did running type exercises and I even did weight lifting type exercises. I ate so healthy that Ezekiel bread was a horrible cheat for me which I shamed myself terribly for. If you don’t know what Ezekiel bread is, don’t worry, you’re not missing much. I was healthy when I was 29. I was also not a lot of fun at parties. Apparently people don’t like it when you come for a visit and are not only socially moronic, but then also complain about how not one item in their fridge is healthy enough for you to eat.
As I thought about all of these things, I suddenly realized something. I’m not sure that having a nice body for other people to look at is worth giving up Snickers bars for. Also I had gone two miles and was done.
Being done with the exercising was very exciting. I couldn’t wait to get in the house and see how loose all of my clothes were. I figured all that sweating meant that I was probably a size six. Maybe an eight. I hadn’t really gone all that fast so probably an eight. Still, I would be very happy with an eight.
I ran (okay, dragged myself) up the stairs and tried on all of my clothes. They all still fit. Some of them were even still a little tight.
That could not be right. Didn’t my body realize that I had just exercised? I had even eaten a bowl of cherries for breakfast! Like an actual literal bowl of cherries! Do you know how many doughnuts are in a bowl of cherries? None! Trust me, I looked. All the way to the bottom of the bowl. Not one doughnut.
So then I went to the internet. Actually, I went to facebook, which, as we all know is saturated with true facts on everything from history to health. I asked my friends what the heck was wrong.
My facebook friends were there for me. One friend told me his secret to dramatic weight loss. He has recently gotten into shape so he knows what he is talking about. He said I needed to measure myself and then wait 30 days without measuring myself. Then, after 30 days, measure myself again. He said I would be encouraged by the results.
I am so on board with that!
Here I thought I had to exercise! All I have to do is measure myself, wait, and measure myself thirty days later!
I measured myself. I didn’t really like the results. You see, I used to be 6’0″. Now I’m only 5’11 1/2″. I’ll get over it, though, because all I have to do is sit on the couch eating peanut butter m&m’s and lose weight like mad.
Another “friend” made some suggestions like “you have to exercise at least three days a week” and “keep exercising”. I don’t like that advice. It’s like I’m now suddenly committed to some healthy new lifestyle that involves working out daily. I don’t think I can commit to all of that sweating. It just doesn’t seem right.
So I’m going with the measuring trick. I can’t wait for thirty days to be up so I can show off my hot new body! I’ll keep you updated, and if you need me, I’ll be on the couch with a good book and a package of Oreos. Losing weight.