Alright ladies, this one is for you.  It is a blog about how awesome you are.  It’s a blog to remind you that you are good enough.  It is a blog about why you should not just love yourself, but actually like yourself.  If you have a problem with women liking themselves, feeling awesome, or being good enough, please move along to someone else’s blog and file your complaints there.  OR you can call the pastor and complain to him about all of the things that bother you about me.  He absolutely loves that.

This blog is about Proverbs 31.  WAIT!!!  DON’T LEAVE!!!  I am probably not going where you think I am.  Probably.  At least I don’t think I’m going there.  I kind of don’t know where I’m going until I get there.  I at least promise that I don’t think I’m going there.

We all know at least one of those Proverbs 31 women.  You know who I’m talking about.  She has 28 children, all of whom are being homeschooled.  All of those children are dressed perfectly every day.  The boys wear khaki pants and button up dress shirts and the girls wear long dresses.  Every day.  These 32 children always have perfectly combed hair and are never ever EVER seen with dirty faces.  Even though she is raising all 44 of her children in one home, the house is always immaculately clean and perfectly decorated.  You never have to worry about stepping on legos in her house.

All of the food that she serves her family is organic and grown by her in her perfect weed free garden.  She then cans all of this garden goodness so that she can make gourmet meals all year long without giving the grocery store a dime.  Speaking of dimes, she has her household budget down to about twelve of them a month, including the gas that she needs to cart her family of 53 to every service and event that her church offers, mostly because she is in charge of all of those events and can’t leave her 82 children home alone.

Recognize her yet?  If she is you, it’s okay.  I hope what I’m about to say will set you free.  Are you ready?  Here we go.  This chapter (are you sure you are ready?) was not written as a checklist for women.  Oh my goodness!!  Are you kidding me, Snarky?  No.  I’m not even kidding.  What’s more is that this chapter was written for men.  And not even for men to judge us with!

This chapter was written by a queen.  She is writing it to her son who appears to know his way around a party.  It seems that she is a little concerned that he might be drinking too much and chasing the kind of women who “ruin kings”.  In other words the kind of woman who, today, would end up on a reality show making less than intelligent decisions.  Remember, the woman writing this is a queen.  She needs to make sure that her son is able to make good decisions for his country.  She needs to make sure that she is leaving her people in good hands, and those hands should not be attached to the backside of some girl gone wild.

How do I know all this?  It’s pretty simple.  I have this little rule.  Before I use a Bible verse to bash someone or make them feel bad, I always read the verses before and after the verse I am about to use.  Usually this ends up totally changing the meaning and then I remember that God only wants us to make others feel good about themselves so I shut up.  Not really.  I still usually end up saying something stupid, but I’m working on that.  Also at least I’m not using the Bible to say these stupid things.  Because that would be REALLY stupid.

So, Queenie, unlike myself, has made the decision to focus less on the kind of woman who would ruin her son and more on the kinds of women that he should be paying attention to.  Did you catch that?  I said woMEN, as in more than one.  You see, the only way she could be describing one woman is if she is describing a woman who doesn’t exist.  Like she is telling him that no woman would ever be good enough for him.  While this may be true, I am just going to assume that the people who gathered together the best writings to include in their religious book would not include the rantings of an overprotective Jewish mother.

Instead, I think she is pointing our some of the girls who her son has yet to notice.  The kind of girls that have a focus other than partying.  She is saying “Notice the good girls!  They are worth something more!”  I think she is giving him a whole list of women to choose from.  Women who find their identity outside of the party.  I think, instead of a checklist, she is saying “The kind of women who are truly valuable might be crafty.  They might have a productive business.  They might be good shoppers, they might be a good baker or hard working.  A good wife might be passionate about the poor, or into making sure your house is clean and beautiful.  Whatever she does, she does not waste her time being silly, but is generally a woman who wants to use her passions and talents to make the world a better place.”.

If you really want to take this chapter out of context, then give it to young men.  Tell them that if they can find a girl who resembles even ONE of these phrases, he has a keeper.  Hurry up and commit to her before someone else sees her value!  If the man is already married, he can probably find more than one phrase that resembles his wife and should be reminded of her value regularly.  Because, fellas, if you forget how valuable she is, you might just lose her.  And losing all of your rubies would kind of suck.

Ladies, the next time you are feeling a little down on yourself, look up Proverbs 31 and find yourself in ONE of the verses.  Look at that verse and say “I am very valuable because…”

“I am like to craft!”


“I like to bake for my family and friends!”


“I like to garden!”


“I enjoy working out!”


“I work outside of the home!”


“I like to sew!”


“I volunteer!”


“I make sure my family is well dressed!”


“I am good at home decor!”


“I present myself well!”


“I help my husband!”


“I sell things I make!”


“I am well prepared for the future!”


“I am smart and teach other people things!”


“I am super involved in my children’s lives!”


Something else that wasn’t even a thing yet when that chapter was written!  Whatever you do, don’t try and do all of these things.  Nervous breakdowns aren’t pretty.  Speaking of being pretty, I could find nothing in the Bible about denim jumpers.  It seems that they are actually NOT the uniform of the “good Christian wife”.  Seriously.  Throw them away and go buy a pair of sassy boots.  You’ll thank me.


2 thoughts on “Women

  1. Pingback: Fitting In | The Pastor's Snarky Wife

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