I am convinced that there are two types of people in the world: those who need a minimum of eight hours of sleep every night, and those who have made some sort of sick pact with the devil. I fall into the first category. Unfortunately, all of the other people in my family seem to have fallen into the second. I will miss those people when I get to heaven.
I don’t ever remember a time in my life when I didn’t need my beauty sleep. I call it beauty sleep because of what it does to the inside of me, not the outside. Without enough sleep, Snarky becomes Super Snarky. You see, there is a filter in my brain. This filter is running every waking moment, at very high speeds, preventing me from saying all the harsh, mean, cynical, stinging things that pop into my brain. When I don’t get enough sleep, the draft horse that powers this filter stops turning his wheel and the whole thing shuts down. I become… Super Snarky. People will come to me and tell me their super sad stories, to which I will just raise an eyebrow (okay, both eyebrows. I’m not talented enough to raise one at a time) and point out how it is only their stupidity that got them into this mess. I will release harsh comments toward people pointing out their character flaws. I will sit in the parking lot of the local WalMart and laugh and laugh and laugh. At people. Not just because I’m crazy.
This is not okay. This kind of behavior hurts other people and gets me into trouble with The Pastor and other authority figures. This kind of thing needs to stay in my head where it belongs. Nobody wants my harsh comments on their facebook grammar (“Really? You just called your wife ‘Sweaty’? Does she work out a lot? Lots of manual labor, or did you, just maybe, intend to call her ‘SWEETIE’?!“) It’s not pretty. I need beauty sleep.
Interestingly enough, beauty sleep does not seem to help the outside of me very much. Some women wake up from a good night’s sleep all beautiful and looking like they are ready for a photo shoot. Their hair has that tousled look, their skin is glowing, and their eyes have that sleepy “come hither” look. I am not one of those women. Those women are evil. I am not evil. When I wake up from a good night’s sleep my hair is sticking out in 360 different directions. Some of it will be plastered to my skin, which, by the way, is NOT glowing. Instead, MY skin has that ever so sexy pale and sweaty thing going. Certain parts will also be wet with drool. My eyes will have less of a ‘come hither’ look and more of a ‘dear Lord, is that the Crypt Keeper’ look. It’s not beautiful, but as long as I have gotten at least eight hours, I am fine with it.
The Pastor likes to think that he is one of those “less than eight hours” kind of people, but I am here to tell you the truth because, well, that’s my job and I enjoy it. The Pastor says that he only needs about five hours of sleep. He thinks that he is all tough and constantly awake. This would be true if you only counted the hours that he was actually in bed. You see, The Pastor goes to bed sometime between 12:30 and 1 am. He sets his alarm for 5:30 or 6 am. He then proceeds to wake up all cheerful and looking like he’s ready to pose shirtless for a charity calendar. This may seem evil, and the part about waking up all good looking surely is, but I assure you, he has had far more than five hours of sleep. What the pastor seems to forget is that he has actually been snoring on the couch since 7:30 the previous evening. This adds up to about TEN HOURS, folks! No wonder he is so cheerful and beautiful!
The Pastor is actually what is known as a “morning person”. A “morning person” is a rare species that actually enjoys watching the sun rise. I enjoy watching the sun rise too. Right before I go to bed. Morning people like to watch it after they wake up for the day. Morning people are all cheerful before 10am when they do things like exercise and drink coffee and say perky things. I am not a morning person. I eat morning people for breakfast, or at least I would. If I were awake early enough for breakfast.