If you are easily offended by everyday conversation, this is probably not the blog for you. You should probably look for a blog that features watercolor pictures of kittens and puppies. If you like to laugh at the expense of others, let me see if I can provide some material for you.
I have this friend, Sweetie Pie. Sweetie Pie is all outdoorsy and adventurous. Sweetie Pie does crazy things like sleeping outside. On purpose even! I am not adventurous. I like nice quiet adventures. My kind of adventures take place between the covers of a book. Sometimes, Sweetie Pie convinces me to put the book down. I am starting to notice that this never ends well for me.
Recently, Sweetie Pie and I decided to go to the beach together. The children had just learned about mollusks in school so this seemed like a great opportunity to further their education. We would go mollusk hunting on a river. Sweetie Pie and I packed up our children and drove down a beautiful road to a lovely beach. From there, we waded through knee high water to a sand bar where we spread out our towels. I thought we had found the perfect place as there was not another person in sight, we had the place totally to ourselves. I would live to regret this fact.
As we are sitting on our lovely private beach, Sweetie Pie gets into an argument with her son. She wants him to do something and he doesn’t want to do it. Sweetie Pie tells her son that we were all going into the water to swim, and if he wants to join us he is going to have to do the thing he doesn’t want to do. Her son parks himself on the beach. Sweetie Pie and I then put a life jacket on Baby Snarky, grab a flotation device, and wade out into the river. At some point we notice that there is another empty beach on the other side. This other beach features a rope swing.
At this point we are three quarters of the way across the river. The water is only up to our waists. Sweetie Pie and I start to toy with the idea of walking all the way across the river. Sweetie Pie then announces that she wants to try it. I announce that I am right behind her but that if the water gets deep, I am turning back. Ten feet from the shore, the ground drops out from underneath me. No problem, I think, I can swim ten feet. We all arrive on the other shore where the children play on the rope swing and find their mollusks. Eventually I notice that Sweetie Pie is looking up and down the river.
“What are you looking for?” I ask Sweetie Pie.
“A boat.” she answers.
“Why are you looking for a boat?” I ask
Sweetie Pie then informs me that the current in the deep section that we swam across is just too strong and that we will drown if we try to cross it again. I spend some time looking up and down the river with her. There is not a boat in sight.
“We got over here all by ourselves, surely we can swim back.” I say. Sweetie Pie disagrees. She says that it is not safe for us to swim back. Then she proves her authority on the subject by announcing that 21 years ago she worked at a water slide making sure that kids went down the slide one at a time. She is practically a life guard. I have no skills to trump this. Sweetie Pie is now officially in charge.
“It’s okay,” She says “This is a really well traveled river. Boats are always going up and down it.” No. Boats are not always going up and down it. There are no boats now. Now is part of always and I don’t see a single boat. I start to walk away from the beach to see if I can spot a road or a house when I make a horrible discovery. We are not on the other shore. We are on an island. A deserted island. A very small deserted island. Suddenly I am hearing the theme song to Gilligan’s Island.
Soon the children are ready to go back to the other side. Sweetie Pie then informs them that we cannot return until we find a boat to bring us at least half way. The children are confused.
“We made it over here, surely we can make it back.” they say. I agree with them but the almost a life guard says “No”. Time wears on. Still no boat. The children are getting cold and hungry. I start to think about how long we can really survive without drinkable water. I wonder aloud if the river freezes over in the winter. Sweetie Pie assures me that it does. This gives me the hope I need to go on.
Eventually the children realize that we are going to need a food source. They try to spear fish with sticks, but all we see are minnows, too small to spear. I realize that I was never a boyscout and so I wouldn’t know how to build a fire to cook them anyway. Then we discover something that looks like a huge slug in the water. We pull it out to discover that it is a large gelatinous pod. The children dissect it and discover that it appears to be clear and jello like on the inside with a green skin. We do not know what this is but keep it in the back of our mind as something we may need to eat to survive in the months to come.
We are now weak from exhaustion and lack of fresh water. Suddenly someone remembers Sweetie Pie’s son. Is he still on the other side waiting for us? We call out and discover that he IS on the other side. We start to cheer, knowing we are saved. Sweetie pie then instructs her son to build a raft and come over to rescue us. Sweetie Pie’s son is a gifted engineer. This should not be a problem for him. Her son glares at us and then begins dragging waterlogged trees out of the river and lining them up next to each other. He is still mad. He knows that his raft won’t float. He also knows that we know that he knows that his raft won’t float. It then occurs to us that the reason we haven’t seen any boats is probably because Sweetie Pie’s son has been warning them all of the two female serial killers on the island who are trying to lure boaters to their death. Sweetie Pie yells at her son one more time. He then disappears into the forest, probably to rejoin civilization.
I am now only partly conscious lying on the beach. I struggle to open my eyes and see vultures circling above us. I know it won’t be long now. I only pray that I don’t live to see my children suffer. I wonder how long it will be before anyone finds our bodies.
Suddenly, I hear Sweetie Pie’s daughter.
“Look, a boat!” she exclaims.
I am pretty sure we are all hallucinating. I think hallucinations come right before death. But wait, she is right. There is a boat! We rally all of our strength and start screaming and waving at the boat. They see us! Soon a man named Rick and his wife Jill are beaching their pontoon boat. Sweetie Pie explains our situation to him.
“You all swam out here, surely you could swim back.” he says. I roll my eyes.
Rick then loads us all onto his pontoon boat. His boat is all clean and white. We are all covered in sand and filth from our weeks or months stranded on the island. I feel a little bit bad, but I’m just so happy to be alive that I don’t feel too bad.
“So, how long have you guys been stranded out there?” Rick asks
“Since July 30th, 2014 at about one o’clock.” I announce bravely. Rick looks at his watch.
“So for about 45 minutes, then.” he remarks.
Yes, we are brave. Someday, someone will make an epic movie about our adventures. I imagine Angelina Jolie will play the part of me. I’m sure she will be honored to bring our courageous story to life on the big screen.