Fear is a funny thing. We seem to love to wrap ourselves up in it, worrying about things that are totally irrational or completely out of our control. In the modern world, fear is pretty much useless. It’s main purpose is to get your adrenalin flowing so that you are able to either fight off an attacking bear, or outrun your friend so that the bear chooses him instead.
As a child I had some pretty funny fears. Things that, had I asked an adult instead of relying on the wisdom of fourth graders, would have been explained as completely fictional. I thought that for today’s laugh I would give you a list of eight ridiculous fears I had as a child and two I still fear to this day. See if you can guess which is which.
Vampires: Not the super intense and romantic sparkly kind. I’m talking about ones that wear black capes and reside under your bed. If your foot so much as even brushes the floor in the dark, they will sink their teeth into you and then… well I never figured what would happen then, but you’d better believe it would be terrible.
Car depressurization: This is that thing that happens when, for some reason, the car door opens while the car is moving at a rate of 30mph or more. The car will depressurize and all people and things in the car will get sucked out. Don’t think a seat belt is going to save you from this. Car depressurization is stronger than seat belts.
Quicksand: Back in the 1970’s and 80’s everyone knew what a huge problem this is. Quicksand disguises itself as normal ground but if you get within 10 feet of it you will get sucked in, and it is EVERYWHERE. You are never completely safe from quicksand unless you are in your own home. Once quicksand touches you it acts much like superglue. It does not let you out of it’s grasp and will pull you under at the rate of roughly one inch per hour. It’s a slow and horrible death. I was a little relieved to receive the advice from a neighborhood boy that if I were to ever get sucked into quicksand all I would have to do is relax and I would float until someone could rescue me. I have no idea how anyone could relax in the clutches of quicksand.
Pop Rocks: Pop Rocks are the candy choice for adrenalin junkies. Basically Pop Rocks are little hardened bits of C-4 that you eat. If you have some sort of a death wish and decide to eat them, you had better make sure that every last one of them explodes in your mouth and never ever EVER consume them with a carbonated beverage. Unless, of course, you enjoy the though of your entire self exploding!
Florida: Okay, so I’ve never actually been afraid of Florida. The truly terrifying thing about Florida is the fact that they still have deadly dinosaurs there. I’m talking about alligators. Alligators are huge and can blend into almost any environment as long as it is in Florida. Their ability to become almost perfectly flat makes them even more deadly because they can completely submerge themselves in even the smallest puddle of water. Floridians try to lure unsuspecting vacationers to their state with promises of beaches and theme parks, but I’m pretty sure they are just looking for out of state meals for their alligators.
Sewer rats: Don’t be fooled by their name. Sewer rats do not just live in the sewers of large cities. Sewer rats can also live in the pipes of suburban houses or in the septic systems of the country. Simply put, always look before you sit. If you sit and don’t look, odds are high that a sewer rat will be waiting to bite you and transmit a horrible disease to you.
Swing sets: If you swing too high you will fall straight down and break your neck. Swing sets negate the power of centrifugal force.
Killer bees: WHY HAVE THESE THINGS NOT REACHED MY HOME YET?! For the past 30 years killer bees have been right on my doorstep with their poisonous venom and their bodies the size of Volkswagens. I’ve heard reports from various kids in the know that within five years killer bees will have spread across the entire country. What are they waiting for? Why won’t they just get on with their buzzing apocalypse? The suspense is really bugging me.
Car washes: You know, that big blue spinning roller that is supposed to glide over the top of your car. That thing has got to weigh at least 1.5 million pounds and it can’t possibly know the exact shape of your car. Not to mention the fact that that thing looks suspiciously like Cookie Monster and we all know how impulsive and unpredictable he can be. If you don’t believe me when I tell you that these things are dangerous try taking your dog with you the next time you wash your car. He’ll back me up.
The Watcher: At night, if your room is really dark and you are all alone, a man stands in the corner and watches you. He is probably wearing a black trench coat with the collar turned up and a black wide brimmed hat. He just stands there, in the darkest corner watching you, waiting for you to wake up. The goal here is not to let him know you are awake. You must lie perfectly still and remain perfectly quiet so that he never suspects that you are awake. He appears to be friends with the vampires because his feet are obviously touching the floor in the dark but the vampires never seem to bother him.
So, those are my top ten childhood fears. Eight of them are just silly and I’m sure you are laughing at them. The other two are obviously very real and you should be VERY AFRAID. Did you have any irrational fears as a child? Feel free to click on the little speech bubble to share them with us so we can all laugh together. Also, we’d all love to hear about your “totally rational” adult fears too! 🙂