Men

I love men.  I always have.  If you are here looking for a post about why men suck, you have entered the wrong blog.

In high school and college most of my female friends would have a BFF.  Someone to get their hair and nails done with.  Someone to have giggly sleepovers with.  Someone they could just hang out with and talk about everything with.  I did not have this.  I had boy friends, not to be confused with boyfriends.  I invested most of my social energy in the males of our species.  I was called a loser because of this, but actually, I won.  I hung out with the boys, and not in a romantic way, and that made me a winner because I was actually happy.

Here is the problem.  Women kind of suck.  I should know; I am one.  We think that we are all supposed to have some sort of magical bond, that if you put two of us in a room together with a couple of appletinis we will be instantly in tune with each other and our menstrual cycles will immediately align.  We think that being female is enough to bind us together into a sisterhood that is unbreakable by any man or force of nature.  We are under the impression that our extra X chromosomes will stick tightly together so tightly that we will instantly understand each other’s every thought.  This does not happen.  If anything, all that estrogen just causes us to hate each other.

Okay, maybe I’m being a little extreme, but men still make better friends.

Let’s start with basic friendship.  We will start with the simple act of talking to each other.  When you are talking to a man he is doing one of two things.  He is either taking everything you say at face value, or he is thinking about something else (a car, bike, motorcycle, sporting event, etc.) and letting everything you say completely bypass his brain.  That is it.  There are only those two choices.  When you talk to another woman, she may be doing any number of things.  She is most defiantly trying to figure out the hidden meaning behind what you are saying.  For example, if you mention that it’s warm out she will assume that you are criticizing the way she is dressed.  She is also formulating an argument in her head, because as we all know, any conversation can turn into a full blown argument at a moments notice and she will NOT lose that argument.  She is also MOST ASSUREDLY filing every word you say to be used against you at a later date.  This later date will either be the inevitable argument I mentioned previously or a discussion with other women on why you are a horrible human being.

Another area where men are better at friendship is spending time together.  If you are going to hang out with the boys nobody is too concerned if you are early or late.  You can wear dirty sweats and not have showered in a week and they will not care at all, especially if you distract them with something nice like craft beer.  The activities will usually involve some sort of game or sitting on the couch and staring at the television.  Sometimes it will involve both.  If you are spending time with the ladies you had better be on time.  Your hair, makeup and wardrobe must be clean and stylish and even if it’s perfect they will still find something nasty to say about it when you leave to go to the bathroom.  You also don’t score extra hugs for not wearing a bra.  The activities will involve something everyone hates, like shopping or eating.  Seriously, out of all the women I know maybe four of them really enjoy shopping.  Most women I know will sound so relieved when I announce that I hate shopping and gasp “ME TOO!”.  Women also hate eating together.  We really only have two choices when eating together.  Either we pick something we actually want to eat that will make us feel fat in front of our friends, or we order the celery stick with the side of a cucumber slice.  Make that half a cucumber slice, I’m on a diet.

Men are also much better at helping.  If they see a problem, they want to do something about it.  If you can tell them exactly what they need to do to fix the problem, they are overjoyed.  If you want a lot of furniture carried and arranged, just be clear about what you want and offer pizza when it’s over and everyone’s happy.  Try telling a woman what to do.  Just once.  I dare you.  However you think a problem needs to be fixed is wrong.  She may not be able to tell you the right way, but she is more than happy to point our why you are wrong.  And if you offer her pizza after the issue is fixed, she is pretty sure you hate her and are trying to make her fat.

Speaking of fat, men don’t care.  Honestly and truly they don’t.  The only person who cares about those five extra pounds you gained last winter is you.  And your female friends.  And I’m pretty sure that the only reason the female friends care about it is because talking to each other about your five extra pounds draws attention away from their extra three pounds.  For some reason women like to set up impossible physical standards for each other and then act shocked when their friends can’t achieve them.  When have you ever heard a man say “Oh my gosh!  Have you seen Bob’s butt?!?!  I mean, does he not even care anymore?  And then to go and put that thing in sequins!  It’s like he’s trying to call attention to it!  Ugh!  He is such a slut.”  Nope.  Just not the way guys talk.

Men also tell the truth to their friends.  If you have a male friend and you ask them if your new mullet makes you look like a man, he will say “Yes, were you going to eat that?”.  If you ask him if it’s a bad idea for you to take a class on cat bathing he will say “Yup, how spicy are those chips?”.  When you ask another woman how you look, she uses a specific formula to respond.  The worse you look, the more she will gush about how fabulous you look.  This is because she knows that the worse you look, the better she will look when she’s standing next to you.

The best part about having a man for a friend though, is that they only care about one thing.  Surprisingly, it’s not that.  All men really care about in their friendships is that you are enjoyable to be around.  If you want to make a man your best friend simply smile, stay in the moment, be honest, have fun and don’t talk about anyone behind their back.  Oh, and show up with good food.  And beer.

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